Monday, February 13, 2012

Two miles of Burke-Gilman Trail no longer ball-jarring

ow, my balls
A full two miles of the 18-mile Burke-Gilman Trail are no longer ball-jarringly bumpy as of Friday with the reopening of a short, relatively insignificant section of the bike trail popular with cyclists who like to punish their genitalia.

The $5 million King County project to widen and repave the two measly miles closed the trail during the summer, reopened two months late, cost twice what officials initially thought it would cost and all things considered is pretty underwhelming.

The redecorated section starts at 145th Street NE and ranges, ever so briefly, into Bum Fucking Egypt. It features new benches, retaining walls, shrubbery, new bollards and a whole host of bull shit.

To accommodate those with suspended driver's licenses who still had to ride to and from Bum Fucking Egypt during the closure, transportation officials designed a five-mile detour that included many steep hills intending to encourage car commuting and finally prove to the world that they are bad at their jobs. Unbeknownst to the officials, the detour would be a boon for cyclists without fixed work schedules who were also training for the Tour de France.

Leading up to the fresh blacktop is still some of the trail's worst riding. In fact, from the University Bridge to the two-mile section is pretty shitty. Unless one has a bright head light, it's no fun to ride in the dark, and may be partly to blame for Seattle's declining birth rate.

The trail is, however, open. So we got that going for us.


  1. I was disappointed by the lack of quotes from Bum Fucking Egyptians in this article

  2. I'm going to have to whip the reporters again.

  3. now how am i supposed to get my masochistic rocks off?