Saturday, April 2, 2011

Union Bylaw No. 1 - A night rider must be kind

Figure No. 1 - A night rider being helpful

1) A night rider must be nice to everybody

a - If a night rider sees somebody in need of help, without being asked (2008), the rider must stop and offer ridicule assistance (2010) and stay for as long as necessary.*

b - If shortly after 2 a.m.** a night rider observes (2010) a person denied the sale of alcohol because of the time (2009), the rider must offer to trade something share (2011).***

c - A night rider must offer assistance if another night rider needs it, including, but not limited to: tubes, tools, water, petting (2008), rough-housing (2008), alcopops, grape Swishers, gear, and food.

d - Better faster (2009) riders must periodically **** allow weak slower (2009) riders to hurry the fuck catch (2011) up.

e - Whenever possible, night riders must greet, in the most sexy (2011) friendly way possible, sexy other (2008) people riding at night unless they are scary and mean one harm (2009).

2) Don't be a drunker, more reckless dick than your teammates (2009)

a - Show up fit***** and equipped (2008) to complete the ride and refrain from becoming a drunken dick (2008) liability to the team (2008). (See bylaw No. 3)******

b - A night rider must say supportive things to teammates, including, but not limited to: i) Have you lost weight? ii) Your bike is awesome! iii) You are better at sex than me! (2008)

3) Be courteous to those who could kill you

a-Given it is sometimes (2009) difficult to see night riders even under ideal conditions and after taking precautions (2010), riders should at all times respect jerks (2008) motorists (2009), yield when possible, avoid going all "butt hurt samurai" on them confrontations (2010), and minimize the risk of ego (2009) injury to all.*******

4) Nothing in this section should be construed to:

a - prohibit a night rider from giving the middle finger blowing a kiss (2008) to aggressive drivers or anyone else threatening their person or property sexy (2010).

b - restrict the prerogative of a night rider to flaunt traffic laws fucking whenever they fucking want given that they do not turn on impede (2009) others or create sexy situations the potential of harm for motorists, pedestrians, or other cyclists (2011).

c - arbitrarily limit the volume of a rider's jam box, no matter the time of night/morning. Word. (2009)

d - prohibit night rider union members (2008) from groping taunting or insulting (2011) each other.


*Most common on night rides are car wrecks, impaired or unconscious people and motorists/cyclists/pedestrians who are lost. Only once on an official night ride has 911 been called, for an unconscious man lying in the rain, in the middle of the Burke Gilman Trail near the UW hospital. When the fire truck arrived, the man ran away into the night, giving everyone the finger.
** The Night Riders Union of Seattle Judicial Committee has ruled that for the purposes of this section the term "shortly after" shall be defined as not less than three minutes but not more than six minutes.
*** Much case law has been generated by the definition of "share," all of it contradictory. In consolidating the often disparate opinions, the Judicial Committee Subcommittee on Alcopop Affairs has created a policy for sharing alcohol with non-night riders after alcohol sales have been suspended, the so-called "Don't Be Like That Test:" i) One beer for every six pack of Rainier ii) one can/bottle for every half rack of expensive beer iii) one alcopop for every four iv) Liquor and caffeinated alcopops are exempt.
**** Writing for the committee in the case of Global Telecom v. A-1 Steak Sauce, the chairwoman expounded thusly: "The spirit of the bylaw is to encourage among individuals a sense of a collective ride, that it isn't a race, that a successful ride depends on each rider finishing with his or her comrades. For practical purposes, the limit of the law can be delineated more precisely by saying that with the exception of climbs, those in front must maintain visual contact with slower riders. And at the top of hills, faster riders must pause for slower riders to catch up, allowing for everyone to ride down the other side of the hill together."
*****The committee chairwoman has defined "fit" as: "Able to consume at least two alcopops and two grape Swishers per four hours of riding at an average speed of 10 - 12 mph."
******Over the years the committee has been unequivocal in its support of this section, although it has found room for clarification, drafting what has become known as the Vern Test, named after Vern "The Wand" Lewan, an honorary night rider.
"Although some allowances can be made for the unexpected effects of Swishers, alcopops and exercise on the faculties of the newly inducted, it should be the expectation of the night rider to ride long distances. If a night rider should become impaired and performs any of the following acts, he/she is in violation of the bylaw: i) cannot ride for more than 45 minutes ii) weeps/laughs for longer than 18 minutes iii) utters the words 'Whose vomit is this?' or any iteration thereof."
The committee was vague on whether locking an incapacitated member to a park bench would violate Bylaw No. 4, Chapter A, Section 4, the Night Riders prohibition on punishment of any kind.
On a related subject, recent media reports have indicated the union's General Assembly may convene to write a new law that clarifies the legal nature of ass slapping. The interest in a legislative fix comes after an aggressive ass slapping spree last fall that bruised several buttocks and sent a shock wave through the night rider community, as some instances of ass slapping were determined to constitute punitive smacks to establish dominance rather than sweet fanny taps of encouragement. Up until earlier this year, proposals to reign in ass slapping stirred controversy, as the rank and file membership overwhelmingly considered ass slapping protected touching under Bylaw No. 1, Chapter 4, Section d, the so-called "right to grope," otherwise known as the "ass slappers fancy."
But after the midterm elections of 2010, when President Q's conservative Never FOURget Party lost 45 seats -- it was more a coalition of disparate fringe parties upset with the state's ban on caffeinated alcopops -- led to the temporary majority of the antidisestablishmentarianistic FOURget Me Not Party, which, surviving accusations of jury rigging, was able to push through legislation outlawing groping and leaving in its place insulting and taunting. Before the party lost its majority when several members neglected to reset their alarm clocks for daylight saving time and failed show for roll call, it was also able to require night riders to greet other riders in a "sexy" way. According to media reports, the president's allies in the assembly, now in the majority, have threatened a statutory change if the judicial committee does not intervene to legalize ass slapping. "Night riders taunt with their ass slaps, they insult with their ass slaps," President Q said. He also added that he supported the other change by his rivals.
******* "You have been drinking, so have they," the chairwoman wrote.

-By staff, Night Riders Union of Seattle Judicial Committee

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